University Majors

That aren't offered. Use this list if you someone asks what your major is, and you know that they aren't really listening to you.

1. Micro-Machinery
2. Christmas Studies
3. Breakfast (w/ emphasis in chicken breakfasts)
4. Alchemy
5. Phrenology
6. Physiques
7. Anachronism
8. Billboard Science
9. Quantitative Gambling

Things Destined to Fail

1. Civilizations
2. Cars (really, the whole Car Experiment)
3. Health
4. Me on philosophy papers.
5. Most businesses
6. A lot of relationships (and nowadays, most marriages)
7. Get rich quick schemes (regrettably)
8. Data projectors
9. Anything harebrained (that's what made it harebrained, poindexter)
10. Attempts to read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand
11. Opuses (Opi? Anyway, that's why most people aren't famous.)
12. War
13. Attempts at AI
14. Exercise regimens
15. New Year's Resolutions
16. Ed Tuttle
17. Besiegings
18. Souffles
19. That flying machine with the guy tied to weather vanes.

Mormon Pop in Evey Genre

1. Heavy Metal.................Afterdeath
2. R&B.........................Soul Brethren
3. Rap.........................Bishop Gid Gid Donhi
4. Punk........................Tenth Placenta
5. Indie.......................White Horse Prophecy
6. Hair Rock...................United Order
7. Country.....................Far West
8. Bluegrass...................Ephraim
9. Ska.........................Kingston Clan
10. Rockabilly.................Lucifer's Hot Five
11. Funk.......................Burning Bosom
12. Reggae.....................Chief Judge
13. Hip Hop....................DJ Deekin
14. Latin......................AlmaTuya
15. Folk.......................Pioneer Trek
16. Alternative................Stone Temple Patrons

Two Humorous Mishaps

that happened today

1. While doing these weird situp things in my yoga/pilates class, a girl farted really loud.

2. I forgot what the other thing was. It was funny though.

Thanksgiving: Good and Not

Good:


Egg Nog



Turkey



All things cranberry



All things pie



Stuffing



yam-flavored marhmallows



Mashed Potatoes





Not:

experimental jello



Sentient Yams



Tofurkey



Evernog



Dog Nog



Nog from star trek

_________: the new _________

1. Blogging: the new futile complaining
2. 30: the new 20
3. Bachelors Degrees: the new tamagochi
4. Internet: the new reality
5. Pink: the new black
6. Bare Feet: the new Dock Martens
7. Sushi: the new fondue
8. iPods: the new hand (as in "talk to the hand")
9. Flipped up collars: the new not-flipped-up collars
10. Gasoline: the new Evian
11. Doing nothing: the new doing something
12. DVDs: the new laserdiscs
13. Pants: the new toga
14. Lists: the new paragraph
15. Scrapbooks: the new crackpipes
16. Identity theft: the new throwing rotten fruit at passing cars.
17. Skateboarding: still skateboarding
18. Boot cut: the new cargoes
19. Pants under dress/skirt: the new wearing something that doesn't look stupid.
20. Blackberry thing: the new brain.
21. Hummus: the new grapefruit.
22. Zantrex 3: the new amazing super pill

Why today was way scarier than Halloween

1. I woke up at 7:15 am. There was a tarantula on my wall. A real one.
2. I ate breakfast at 7:30. I could hear my roommate listening to Rush Limbaugh.
3. I had a test in this class today.
4. Not only does Smith's have Kristmas Krap for sale already, there were no cranberries. So it has finally happened. Christmas has eaten Thanksgiving.
5. I was getting ready for bed tonight around midnight. I could hear my roommate listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Last Minute Budget Costumes

1. Mummy
















2. Superhero






3. Michael Moore






4. Streaker






5. Elephant






6. Robot







7. Alien

Things about the movie "Signs" which I watched for the first time today.

1. Morgan (that Culkin kid) is probably a robot. (Quote from Morgan: "He doesn't treat animals". How many 11-year-olds are going to say that rather than "He's not a veterinarian" or "He's a human doctor"?
2. When Mel Gibson wipes up the dog pee, he carries the pee-soaked paper towel around the kitchen way too long. Ugh, just throw it away for heaven's sake. Even though you are holding it out of sight and we are supposed to forget about it in light of the sudden arrival of the Cop, the wad of brawny saturated with urine is still very much in the forefront of my mind.
3. Why were the aliens playing on the swings?
4. What is the deal with Morgan sucking on an inhaler during every moment of contemplative silence? That's Sean Astin's schtick!
5. The military dude in the recruitment office is a FREAK. His unbroken gaze, atomic clock haircut, and broken sentences make him remind me of William Shatner on Phen-fen.
6. M. Night always puts himself in his own movies. This is (a) incredibly narcissistic and (b)probably something I would do if it were me.
7. Of all the places aliens could land inconspicuously, why would they choose A CORNFIELD?!? Also: the aliens choose not to show up on radar, but don't the bright spotlights they installed on the bottom of their ship undo any advantage that this technology would give them.
8. If they want to attract less attention, they could try wearing clothes.
9. I thought the scene where Mel Gibson was freaking out at dinner and eating everyone's food was really good.
10. I also liked when Joaquin Phoenix was sitting on the couch with the two kids a tin foil hat.
11. I wish they had done just a little more with the mind-reading thing.
12. Water just eats their flesh, doesn't it. Should they really be walking around naked on a planet that is 70 percent water, to harvest beings who are 60% water, through air that is saturated with water vapor? Remember, this is Pennsylvania.

Euphemisms

For "vomit"

1. Throw up
2. Be sick
3. Hurl
4. Honk
5. Barf
6. Ralph
7. Toss one's cookies
8. Lose one's lunch
9. Erupt
10. Disgorge
11. Regurgitate
12. Puke
13. Upchuck
14. Ask for a refund
15. Un-eat
16. De-eat
17. Eat in reverse ("tae")
18. Yawn in technicolor
19. Send back the soup
20. Change one's mind
21. Repent
22. U-turn
23. Apologize
24. Divorce
25. Agree to disagree
26. Purge

For "defecate":

1. Visit the little boy's/girl's room
2. Go number 2
3. Take a dump
4. Crap
5. Poo
6. Drop an anchor
7. Shake hands with the Mayor
8. Drop the kids off at the pool
9. Take a call on line 2
10. Stop by the house at Pooh Corner
11. See a man about a horse
12. Go for a nature walk
13. S**t
14. Use the crap-catcher
15. Sit down for a few minutes
16. Take care of some business
17. Go to the office
18. Sit on the throne
19. Complete the process
20. Lose some weight
21. Conduct some research with gravity
22. Clean out the garage
23. Lay down some stacks
24. See what's in the news
25. Exercise
26. Resolve some pressing issues
27. Think

For some of these terms, I am indebted to:

1. Alf
2. nome_de_plume_superwoman
3. A.A. Milne

Things that make the drive

from Salt Lake to San Francisco not boring, despite what everyone says:

1. The Great Salt Lake and Saltair
2. Towns like Delle and Winnemucca, which make you feel good about wherever you are from
3. The Tree of Utah
4. Antelope
5. The Salt Flats
6. Seeing "BM" printed on the hillside in Battle Mountain, NV (voted "armpit of america" by some magazine)
7. That weird Tim Burton house covered in antlers right after Winnemucca
8. Donner Pass and Lake Tahoe
9. That hilarious "Lobster Buffet" billboard with the weird lobster lady near Reno

Energy Drinks

Ones that are disgusting, far past the point of drinkability:
1. Red Bull
2. All of the rest

Them Wristbands

Causes and Colors:
Yellow.....Lance and Cancer ("Lancer"?)
Red........Blood donation
Blue.......Tsunami relief
Green......Recycling
Multi......Nothing. The wristband factory.
Multi......Touist shop in (your vacation spot here)
??.........Mormon gift shops

Uses:
Soapdish life extender
King Crab claw restrainer
Rubber band ball enhancer
Low calorie chewing gum substitute
Ugly, uncomfortable, self-promoting fashion statement
Classroom projectile
Cranium squeezer
Newspaper roll retention system

"Swirly Patterns" entry for "Them Wristbands".